tomorrows the day that every newly weds supposed to look forward to. i looked forward to it for about 2 months and that was it. then i started to dread the day. then i started to dread the day even more. i have been absolutely dreading the day of tomorrow for the past 4 months. tomorrow is supposed to be a happy day for me. a celebration. a celebration of the commitment of two lives becoming one.
there will be no celebration tomorrow. there will only be sadness and a harsh reminder of hurt & betrayal.
i used to be all about dates, and now i wish i wasn't. i wish i could just forget dates now, but i can't. dates of important things always stick with me, and i wish they didn't. i wish i could forget them and never remember them again.
i used to be able to stalk wedding photography website for hours on end. its not longer a pleasure for me. it just causes me hurt and pain. so many things have been taken from me, and this is only one....one simple thing.
i haven't been to a wedding since. i used to love going to weddings. i use to notice and soak in every tiny little detail. i don't care any more and i wish i did. i don't care because it hurts to bad to care. if i care its just a reminder.
tomorrow is a day that i will never "get over". tomorrow is a day that i will just have to learn to "get through". maybe it will get easier with each passing year. but it's still a day that will always make me reflect back on many memories and images that i'll never forget. sometimes i wish i could forget those too.
looking back, they were happy times. very happy times. i was happy. i really was. what could i have done wrong? what DID i do wrong?
i hoped things would have been over by tomorrow. but there not. im afraid they've only just begun.
i write this for myself. not for a pity-party to be thrown for me or anyone to feel sorry for me.
i'm trying to be more open (to an extent) and honest on here. i seem pretty happy and cheerful most of the time(which most of the time i am and i can thank a beautiful little baby boy for that), but there are times when i am hurting so bad too, and just sit here and wonder "why me?"
i hope to look back on this one day as a stronger person who has "gotten through" year by year. i hope that one day tomorrow will be just like any other day. not a "date" that i can't seemed to forget.
it's may be pretty farfetched but, maybe i can be an inspiration and a "hope" to someone else out there that is faced with something like i've been faced with. it's not easy. i knew it wasn't going to be. sometimes i think it gets easier, but a lot of times it gets harder.
i'm done now. maybe my writing and venting will help get me through the day.
Hey girl... wish I would have read this before now... but I am most definitely praying!!! I am glad that yesterday is behind you... they say the "firsts" are always hard... first holiday, first birthdays, first anniversary. I pray that every day finds more and more healing. Just remember - human love fails, but God's love never does. I am SO glad that I got a God who loves me... unfailing, unconditional, for all of eternity... loves us.
ReplyDeleteKati Renee Baldwin-I love you very much. You are more grown up and mature than I think I ever realized. You are a wonderful mom-Ryder is one very blessed boy!
ReplyDeleteNaynee