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Saturday, April 24, 2010


tomorrows the day that every newly weds supposed to look forward to.  i looked forward to it for about 2 months and that was it.  then i started to dread the day.  then i started to dread the day even more.  i have been absolutely dreading the day of tomorrow for the past 4 months.  tomorrow is supposed to be a happy day for me.  a celebration.  a celebration of the commitment of two lives becoming one.

there will be no celebration tomorrow.  there will only be sadness and a harsh reminder of hurt & betrayal.

i used to be all about dates, and now i wish i wasn't.  i wish i could just forget dates now, but i can't.  dates of important things always stick with me, and i wish they didn't.  i wish i could forget them and never remember them again.

i used to be able to stalk wedding photography website for hours on end.  its not longer a pleasure for me.  it just causes me hurt and pain.  so many things have been taken from me, and this is only one....one simple thing.

i haven't been to a wedding since.  i used to love going to weddings.  i use to notice and soak in every tiny little detail.  i don't care any more and i wish i did.  i don't care because it hurts to bad to care.  if i care its just a reminder.

tomorrow is a day that i will never "get over".  tomorrow is a day that i will just have to learn to "get through".  maybe it will get easier with each passing year.  but it's still a day that will always make me reflect back on many memories and images that i'll never forget.  sometimes i wish i could forget those too.

looking back, they were happy times.  very happy times.  i was happy.  i really was.  what could i have done wrong?  what DID i do wrong?

i hoped things would  have been over by tomorrow.  but there not.  im afraid they've only just begun.

i write this for myself.  not for a pity-party to be thrown for me or anyone to feel sorry for me.

i'm trying to be more open (to an extent) and honest on here.  i seem pretty happy and cheerful most of the time(which most of the time i am and i can thank a beautiful little baby boy for that), but there are times when i am hurting so bad too, and just sit here and wonder "why me?"

i hope to look back on this one day as a stronger person who has "gotten through" year by year.  i hope that one day tomorrow will be just like any other day.  not a "date" that i can't seemed to forget.

it's may be pretty farfetched but, maybe i can be an inspiration and a "hope" to someone else out there that is faced with something like i've been faced with.  it's not easy.  i knew it wasn't going to be.  sometimes i think it gets easier, but a lot of times it gets harder.

i'm done now.  maybe my writing and venting will help get me through the day.


  1. Hey girl... wish I would have read this before now... but I am most definitely praying!!! I am glad that yesterday is behind you... they say the "firsts" are always hard... first holiday, first birthdays, first anniversary. I pray that every day finds more and more healing. Just remember - human love fails, but God's love never does. I am SO glad that I got a God who loves me... unfailing, unconditional, for all of eternity... loves us.

  2. Kati Renee Baldwin-I love you very much. You are more grown up and mature than I think I ever realized. You are a wonderful mom-Ryder is one very blessed boy!



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