missing title.

all i have ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and mommy.

i became those two things a little out of order considering i believe you become a mommy at conception, NOT birth.  i became a mommy, then a bride.  never how i actually planned on it.

i had become the two things i had always dreamed about as a little girl.  my life was full.  i was happy!

six months ago i gave up the title of wife.  as hard as it was giving up what i had always dreamed of becoming, i kept telling myself that i can have that title again one day.  i still have to tell myself that every day to help me know i made the right decision.

it wasn't easy giving up that title.  i officially gave it up on monday.  the day after my papa john died, and the day lil sterling grayce was born.  i thought that day would bring closure, and it did, and it didn't.

things are better now the way i see it.  me and the ex are getting along so much better than we have in the past 6 months.  we enjoy talking about our perfect little son and all the crazy things hes is up to these days.

ryder was with him all day today and i think he pulled out all of his tricks for his daddy...including:  grinding his teeth (or his jaw, we aren't sure what?), clapping his hands (patty cake), walking like a wild child w. ones help, laying on his back and raring his legs up in the air and down real hard, and even his famous whining (that has totally gotten out of control the past week)

i am glad to be where i am at now, because it's better now than it has been in a long time.

i am a mommy.  i am a single mommy.  i never dreamed i would say those words.  i think this time in my life is going to teach me a lot.  and hopefully one day when i have more kids, i'll wonder how i ever did it alone.

i pray that one day ill have that title once again.  wife.  to someone who loves me, wants to care for me, pamper me, grow old with me, spoil me, travel with me, spend time with ryder with me, cook with me, walk around the neighborhood with me, shop with me, fix the flower beds with me, be santa clause with me...ALL those things!  i want that.  i need that.  ryder needs that.

i am at a sad time, but i am also at a happy time.

im not one to "air my dirty laundry" as ones have said the recent weeks, and i don't.  but this is me.  and i feel so much better after posting this.