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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

anxiety--it is real.

Recently I’ve felt a huge amount of anxiety.  I know anxiety is just the Devil telling me lies and trying to get me to believe them.  I know some people don’t believe in anxiety, but if you’ve had it before (about anything), you know it’s real.  It’s not only a mental thing, but can be physically exhausting as well.

It doesn’t happen to me all too often, just usually when I get worked up about something that I can't control.  That something usually has to do with my son.

He’s the one thing in my life that I love the most and I can’t handle the thought or idea of something happening to him.  Even though these are incidents and events that I am just making up in my head, or see being reported about on the news...it still rattles me and drags me down...more than it should.  THIS is when I start to get anxious, and feel the tightening of my chest.  And, I hate it.  

Being a parent is so much more than you even really realize.  It’s not even the late nights, endless responsibilities and cost of having kids that I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the emotional side of things and the unimaginable amount of love that you have for someone that you didn’t even know was possible.  You literally have your heart and soul as a separation of your body out walking around…making their own choices and decisions, vulnerable to the world and everything that comes along with that, either being kind to the kids around them, or not being so kind, getting picked on or doing the picking themselves.  It’s scary and it’s hard sometimes!

I want the best for Ryder, as most parents do...and I want to provide him with everything he needs to succeed and excel in life, as well as be the best that he can be.  I’m sure most parents feel very similar, but sometimes when you think of everything that sits on your shoulders as a parent, it can seem a bit overwhelming and make you wonder how you are ever going to accomplish it all.  Not just accomplish it all, but do it and do it well.  Again...leading to me feeling anxious.  

Choices and decisions that have to be made:

Am I sending him to the right pre-school?  Is he learning the things he needs to be learning?  Is he building friendships the way he should be?  What things should I be working on with him at home?  What concepts is he not fully grasping at school that he could use some extra help on?  Is he going to be ready for Kindergarten?  Do I even know what he needs to know to be prepared for Kindergarten?  Or is he going to be bored in Kindergarten and act out, since he’ll have had three years of preschool and will be six years his Kindergarten year?

Lots of things to think about...but there’s even more!

Am I spending enough time with him outside?  Am I making him hit the ball off the tee enough?  Am I teaching him how to catch the ball the right way?  How is he going to react when he messes up on the ball field for the first time?  How is he going to behave the first time his team doesn’t win?  Am I playing enough games with him? Am I reading him enough books? Are they the right books? Do we talk about Jesus enough?

And….this is just the beginning!  He’s not even in grade school yet!  

I wasn’t an over-the-top worrisome mom when he was little and I don’t consider myself that way now...unless I think about the future in regards to R and when I question my mothering schools and the decisions I’m making in regards to R.  

{Insert anxiety here...}

I think (and hope) all parents feel the same anxiousness that I feel sometimes.  I feel like my anxiety may be a little bit more intense, as to the fact that I’m doing and taking care of these specific things on my own.  (I do have my parents across the street...but you know what I’m saying)  

This world is such a scary place and just thinking about it give me anxiety!  I love life and I love life with my son, but so many times I think, “I am so thankful this is not our home!”

That statement right there is what helps me get over my anxiousness and my anxiety.  Knowing that alone is what gets me through the worries and the fears...it’s what helps me move along.  Without that promise and security I’m not sure how I would get over that hump.  

He has made the Promise to provide us with all of our needs.  One of those needs is Peace and to live without fear...and only he can provide that Peace.  His Peace.  Jesus Calling spoke directly to me today and was exactly what I needed upon dealing with this anxious feeling that seems to keep popping up.  He has planted His Peace in our hearts when we believe in Him, yet we let “weeds” grow in our hearts such as worry, doubt,  selfishness, comparison and even pride.

He is our Gardener and he is trying to kill those weeds and make them go away, but we have to let Him...we have to let Him kill those weeds and believe that He, and only He can...and that He will!  

We have to stop in this crazy world we live in and spend time with Him so that he can shine His Light into us, and spray that Round-Up...and tell those weeds who’s boss!  I need His Light and I need the constant feeling of His peace in my life-and His light is needed on an even greater scale when those weeds try to take over my heart!  When we take time to be in His word and are in constant contact with Him throughout the day, His light will allow the Peace of His presence to flourish and those weeds will shrivel up and disappear. 

I was preaching to myself in this post. It helps to write to learn, and teach yourself. But, I share it with you in hopes that if you are dealing with similar feelings of anxiousness as I am, that it might help you with the healing process as well.


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